It's all just water in the gas tank.

Flawed from the start, this day has been a write off. From waking up angry, to the car not starting, to vengeful voice mails, to people not knowing their place. I'm lost, confused and don't know what to think. We try and talk, but the words that cut like a knife have done their damage. Open wounds that will become scars. Permanent scars.

It's difficult to write, I don't want to think about this, but I need to express it in some form. We almost had the opportunity to talk. For me to open up, but that chance is soon lost.

You understand how hurt I am, how deep these words cut me. You know how broken it makes me. You know how everything I have ever striven for, was to have someone proud of me. To seek the approval of the one man who gives me my identity. And with a mixture of what I'm assuming Rickards Red, Gin, and wine, it was stripped all away. Everything I have ever worked for, is no more. Reduced to nothing. A pile of ash, reminders of what once was.

The only thing I can rely on is you. You promised not to make me regret loving you, and those words, are the most important words. The only thing that is holding me together.

I;m not writing like I used to. I can't form words, or sentences. Not with beauty that I used to. I am unsure if its the pain of previous words, others that are creeping in on my turf more and more, the exhaustion of being haunted all night by dreams far worse than I've ever had, or the realization, that those words held truth.

Fuck this. Fuck everything. I need you, and I hope I can be enough for you. I hope I can prove him wrong. If not about everything, this one thing. I hope I don't let you down. I hope you don't leave.
I'm sorry. For who I am. For who I was. For the fact that I can't let this go. I can't let it go, because I need someone, to be proud of me. I wish you were proud of me, but I fear that I'm never going to be good enough. On our second day together, I told you the only thing I want in life, is to be told by someone I love, that they're proud of me. To be said with conviction and truth. With honor. With love. With respect.

My mind is scattered. So I sit here, rubbing your feet, feeling your toes. I hope you love me as much as I love you.

I'm sorry for all of this.
I'm sorry for who I am.
I am trying.
To be better.
To be everything you've wanted.
Everything you've needed.
Your vodka cranberry...
I love you.

I Melt - Rascal Flatts

I hate that I am so insecure. I hate working twelve hour shifts. I hate that I get trapped in my head. I hate that I ruin everything.

My day is spent, convincing myself that I'll never be good enough for anything. I try not to, but unfortunatly, no matter how hard I try, I usually get trapped in this method of thinking. I just want to be enough for you. I hope I am.

You offer me dinner, and my insecurity tells me I don't deserve it. I don't deserve you. I feel bad that you would have to do dishes, to create something for me you have thought all day about. My words cut you open. I hate myself. I want it so bad, but everything I have ever known, tells me I haven't done anything to deserve it. I ruin your plans. I feel instantly a hundred times worse, and it's ruined. Because of me.

You're hurt, and mad. Drinking long from a bottle of wine, I know our time will be limited when I arrive, especially with the sleep we had last night. I tell you over and over again that I love you, which is true. Will always be true. Always is true. Forever. You ask why I keep telling you that, and partly because I want to hear it back. I want to know that no matter what, you love me back. Even with all my shit. Second, I watch what Chris and Candice have become. Our shit, our stupid fights mean nothing anymore. I just want to get home and hug and kiss you. I want to be with you.

I buy you flowers, because I feel like I have been a shit boyfriend. You deserve more. You deserve better. I will become that. I'll be your Vodka Cranberry no matter what. It breaks my heart that you tell me you were going to put me as your boyfriend on facebook, stupid I know, but important to me none the less. My heart skips a beat as you fall asleep, I see you posted that you have the best boyfriend in the world. Even with all my shit, with everything I ruin, you still think that of me. I don't get it, and I just pray it wasn't just a drunken lapse of judgement. I hope you meant that. I need you to mean that. I love this girl.

I am sorry for who I am. I am changing. I am working hard to change. Please just be patient with me. I love you. Forever and Always. With everything I have.

Mo Mhiann Daonnan