The President's Choice

I sit with this page open for hours, willing to write, but unable to. I wonder what is keeping me from expressing the honesty within, which has flowed numerous times before. I wonder if it's fear that's holding me back. Afraid, if I open these flood gates, the damage it does to the village below will be irreplaceable. No, not it. I know me. I don't lie to myself. There is nothing hidden that hasn't been said. Both Ryan and Megan know all the details, everything is out in the open. Maybe I'm afraid of reality. I get lost in The Unit, and drink for the second night in a row.

I rack my brain constantly. As if there is some solution to this anxiety, anger, depression and loneliness that I haven't yet found. We've had the same arguments, conversations and apologies over and over again. The never ending circle, that is slowly wearing at our relationship. I'm fighting the clock, the longer this goes on, the more and more tired we become of this, and I pray we don't get to the point where one of us do something that we regret. Something that will be the death of us. We've talked and discussed the issues with no compromise and no solution. I have said that we need the closeness and intimacy that sex brings, the connection that binds us. This doesn't come and I long for it. But it's not about the sex. Not anymore. I would say it's not about that, but it does play a major role. I long for the connection. To know that you want me. And that's the main issue. Not the stress, not the fighting, and not anything else. The main issue for me, is not feeling wanted.

You've tried lately, I've noticed. Whether its kissing me on the back of the neck while I do dishes, or putting your hand on my lap as I drive. I appreciate it all. I do. But, I need more. I need you to remember that you love me. That I am who you choose. I need you to recognize all that I do for you. I need to feel appreciated. To feel loved. To feel like I'm the only one for you, the same way you're the only one for me. I need to be your vodka cranberry, instead of the generic rum and coke.

I pray these words do not cut. Do not maim. Do not hurt. I'm only trying to put light to the situation. I just feel that my previous attempts fell on deaf ears. I need you babe. I need you to love. To be close. To be naked. To be clothed. To be everything I need you to be. I need everything you need me to be. We need to stop this vicious cycle. We need to go back to being us.

I love you Megan Shaina Smith.
With everything I've got.
Forever.
Always.
Infinite.
We are.