I wish you loved me.
I wish, we could once and for all fix this.
I wish, we weren't flying closer to the sun, ready to be burned.
I wish, you had as much hope, passion and desire for this relationship that I have.
I'm not willing to give up.
Ever.
But it seems like you are...
Tuesday, 10 April 2012
Monday, 9 April 2012
The Human Centipede
You want me to write, so I will write. Straight out of a Clint Eastwood movie, I'll write the Good, the Bad, and the Ugly. I question where this motivation and desire comes from. I wonder, is this because you don't feel loved? You need to read my words of affirmation, just like I need the touch your touch? I hope not, because if that's the case, everything I've done, every time I've put you first, put your needs above my own, have been in vain. I sincerely hope not, because part of my issue is not feeling appreciated, and wanted, and this would confirm it.
I need you to rely on me. Just the way I rely on you. Part of the reason why I was so offended during the unlocking of your keys. I drove to you in your time of need. Attempting my best to achieve success, driving to Ryan's to pick up keys, driving all over town. All of this seemed to be worthless. As if I was just means to an end. The minute we're back, you take the keys and attempt to unlock yourself. Then you again attempt yourself to unlock the trunk - you're successful. I feel like a failure. No appreciation comes my way, no gratitude for my part. This is your victory, and yours alone. This strikes a deep fear, that I'm not good enough for you and that you don't need me.
Maybe I'm just over analyzing everything. Desperate for answers, I'm continually searching for the root of all of this. Hoping that there's one, that we can shed light and ultimately conquer this once and for all. I want us, to become us again. I want to be wanted. I want desire, lust, love and passion. I want you to want to show me off. You told me a week ago you'd put me back into your facebook profile picture, and as little and stupid as this gesture is, to me, it tells me you don't care who knows who I am. You're proud to show me off. I miss the days that you posted that you had the best boyfriend.
I love you, and I love us. You laugh, and out comes a fart. This makes us both laugh even more. I chuckle at the cuteness of this. Your face starts to go red with embarrassment, but then stops. You give me a look that says "get over it, it's nothing you haven't heard before." In the face of all this conflict, it takes a small bodily function to break the train of thought, and remind me that we're simply both human. Flawed from the start, but fighting to change that. Maybe that's it. Maybe there is no final solution to this bullshit. Maybe life is about dealing with shit, one day at a time, and making memories in the meantime. I love you, and that's never going to change. Whether you're grumpy for no good reason, kissing my neck while I do dishes, or guessing poorly drawn trolls by yours truly. I'm yours that is never going to change. Will you be mine? Will you choose day in, day out to put up with my shitty drawings, insecurities, and rock hard ass? I hope so.
I don't even know if you read this. The last time I wrote, we had sex the next morning. Was that a result of what you read? Or did you actually want me? I've told you before that I've continued to write. Just never publishing. Now that I'm making this available, will these words fall on deaf ears, or I suppose eyes?
You're beautiful. You are. I hope you know that. I'm here for you. Always.
I need you to rely on me. Just the way I rely on you. Part of the reason why I was so offended during the unlocking of your keys. I drove to you in your time of need. Attempting my best to achieve success, driving to Ryan's to pick up keys, driving all over town. All of this seemed to be worthless. As if I was just means to an end. The minute we're back, you take the keys and attempt to unlock yourself. Then you again attempt yourself to unlock the trunk - you're successful. I feel like a failure. No appreciation comes my way, no gratitude for my part. This is your victory, and yours alone. This strikes a deep fear, that I'm not good enough for you and that you don't need me.
Maybe I'm just over analyzing everything. Desperate for answers, I'm continually searching for the root of all of this. Hoping that there's one, that we can shed light and ultimately conquer this once and for all. I want us, to become us again. I want to be wanted. I want desire, lust, love and passion. I want you to want to show me off. You told me a week ago you'd put me back into your facebook profile picture, and as little and stupid as this gesture is, to me, it tells me you don't care who knows who I am. You're proud to show me off. I miss the days that you posted that you had the best boyfriend.
I love you, and I love us. You laugh, and out comes a fart. This makes us both laugh even more. I chuckle at the cuteness of this. Your face starts to go red with embarrassment, but then stops. You give me a look that says "get over it, it's nothing you haven't heard before." In the face of all this conflict, it takes a small bodily function to break the train of thought, and remind me that we're simply both human. Flawed from the start, but fighting to change that. Maybe that's it. Maybe there is no final solution to this bullshit. Maybe life is about dealing with shit, one day at a time, and making memories in the meantime. I love you, and that's never going to change. Whether you're grumpy for no good reason, kissing my neck while I do dishes, or guessing poorly drawn trolls by yours truly. I'm yours that is never going to change. Will you be mine? Will you choose day in, day out to put up with my shitty drawings, insecurities, and rock hard ass? I hope so.
I don't even know if you read this. The last time I wrote, we had sex the next morning. Was that a result of what you read? Or did you actually want me? I've told you before that I've continued to write. Just never publishing. Now that I'm making this available, will these words fall on deaf ears, or I suppose eyes?
You're beautiful. You are. I hope you know that. I'm here for you. Always.
Friday, 6 April 2012
The President's Choice
I sit with this page open for hours, willing to write, but unable to. I wonder what is keeping me from expressing the honesty within, which has flowed numerous times before. I wonder if it's fear that's holding me back. Afraid, if I open these flood gates, the damage it does to the village below will be irreplaceable. No, not it. I know me. I don't lie to myself. There is nothing hidden that hasn't been said. Both Ryan and Megan know all the details, everything is out in the open. Maybe I'm afraid of reality. I get lost in The Unit, and drink for the second night in a row.
I rack my brain constantly. As if there is some solution to this anxiety, anger, depression and loneliness that I haven't yet found. We've had the same arguments, conversations and apologies over and over again. The never ending circle, that is slowly wearing at our relationship. I'm fighting the clock, the longer this goes on, the more and more tired we become of this, and I pray we don't get to the point where one of us do something that we regret. Something that will be the death of us. We've talked and discussed the issues with no compromise and no solution. I have said that we need the closeness and intimacy that sex brings, the connection that binds us. This doesn't come and I long for it. But it's not about the sex. Not anymore. I would say it's not about that, but it does play a major role. I long for the connection. To know that you want me. And that's the main issue. Not the stress, not the fighting, and not anything else. The main issue for me, is not feeling wanted.
You've tried lately, I've noticed. Whether its kissing me on the back of the neck while I do dishes, or putting your hand on my lap as I drive. I appreciate it all. I do. But, I need more. I need you to remember that you love me. That I am who you choose. I need you to recognize all that I do for you. I need to feel appreciated. To feel loved. To feel like I'm the only one for you, the same way you're the only one for me. I need to be your vodka cranberry, instead of the generic rum and coke.
I pray these words do not cut. Do not maim. Do not hurt. I'm only trying to put light to the situation. I just feel that my previous attempts fell on deaf ears. I need you babe. I need you to love. To be close. To be naked. To be clothed. To be everything I need you to be. I need everything you need me to be. We need to stop this vicious cycle. We need to go back to being us.
I love you Megan Shaina Smith.
With everything I've got.
Forever.
Always.
Infinite.
We are.
I rack my brain constantly. As if there is some solution to this anxiety, anger, depression and loneliness that I haven't yet found. We've had the same arguments, conversations and apologies over and over again. The never ending circle, that is slowly wearing at our relationship. I'm fighting the clock, the longer this goes on, the more and more tired we become of this, and I pray we don't get to the point where one of us do something that we regret. Something that will be the death of us. We've talked and discussed the issues with no compromise and no solution. I have said that we need the closeness and intimacy that sex brings, the connection that binds us. This doesn't come and I long for it. But it's not about the sex. Not anymore. I would say it's not about that, but it does play a major role. I long for the connection. To know that you want me. And that's the main issue. Not the stress, not the fighting, and not anything else. The main issue for me, is not feeling wanted.
You've tried lately, I've noticed. Whether its kissing me on the back of the neck while I do dishes, or putting your hand on my lap as I drive. I appreciate it all. I do. But, I need more. I need you to remember that you love me. That I am who you choose. I need you to recognize all that I do for you. I need to feel appreciated. To feel loved. To feel like I'm the only one for you, the same way you're the only one for me. I need to be your vodka cranberry, instead of the generic rum and coke.
I pray these words do not cut. Do not maim. Do not hurt. I'm only trying to put light to the situation. I just feel that my previous attempts fell on deaf ears. I need you babe. I need you to love. To be close. To be naked. To be clothed. To be everything I need you to be. I need everything you need me to be. We need to stop this vicious cycle. We need to go back to being us.
I love you Megan Shaina Smith.
With everything I've got.
Forever.
Always.
Infinite.
We are.
Wednesday, 22 February 2012
It's all just water in the gas tank.
Flawed from the start, this day has been a write off. From waking up angry, to the car not starting, to vengeful voice mails, to people not knowing their place. I'm lost, confused and don't know what to think. We try and talk, but the words that cut like a knife have done their damage. Open wounds that will become scars. Permanent scars.
It's difficult to write, I don't want to think about this, but I need to express it in some form. We almost had the opportunity to talk. For me to open up, but that chance is soon lost.
You understand how hurt I am, how deep these words cut me. You know how broken it makes me. You know how everything I have ever striven for, was to have someone proud of me. To seek the approval of the one man who gives me my identity. And with a mixture of what I'm assuming Rickards Red, Gin, and wine, it was stripped all away. Everything I have ever worked for, is no more. Reduced to nothing. A pile of ash, reminders of what once was.
The only thing I can rely on is you. You promised not to make me regret loving you, and those words, are the most important words. The only thing that is holding me together.
I;m not writing like I used to. I can't form words, or sentences. Not with beauty that I used to. I am unsure if its the pain of previous words, others that are creeping in on my turf more and more, the exhaustion of being haunted all night by dreams far worse than I've ever had, or the realization, that those words held truth.
Fuck this. Fuck everything. I need you, and I hope I can be enough for you. I hope I can prove him wrong. If not about everything, this one thing. I hope I don't let you down. I hope you don't leave.
I'm sorry. For who I am. For who I was. For the fact that I can't let this go. I can't let it go, because I need someone, to be proud of me. I wish you were proud of me, but I fear that I'm never going to be good enough. On our second day together, I told you the only thing I want in life, is to be told by someone I love, that they're proud of me. To be said with conviction and truth. With honor. With love. With respect.
My mind is scattered. So I sit here, rubbing your feet, feeling your toes. I hope you love me as much as I love you.
I'm sorry for all of this.
I'm sorry for who I am.
I am trying.
To be better.
To be everything you've wanted.
Everything you've needed.
Your vodka cranberry...
I love you.
It's difficult to write, I don't want to think about this, but I need to express it in some form. We almost had the opportunity to talk. For me to open up, but that chance is soon lost.
You understand how hurt I am, how deep these words cut me. You know how broken it makes me. You know how everything I have ever striven for, was to have someone proud of me. To seek the approval of the one man who gives me my identity. And with a mixture of what I'm assuming Rickards Red, Gin, and wine, it was stripped all away. Everything I have ever worked for, is no more. Reduced to nothing. A pile of ash, reminders of what once was.
The only thing I can rely on is you. You promised not to make me regret loving you, and those words, are the most important words. The only thing that is holding me together.
I;m not writing like I used to. I can't form words, or sentences. Not with beauty that I used to. I am unsure if its the pain of previous words, others that are creeping in on my turf more and more, the exhaustion of being haunted all night by dreams far worse than I've ever had, or the realization, that those words held truth.
Fuck this. Fuck everything. I need you, and I hope I can be enough for you. I hope I can prove him wrong. If not about everything, this one thing. I hope I don't let you down. I hope you don't leave.
I'm sorry. For who I am. For who I was. For the fact that I can't let this go. I can't let it go, because I need someone, to be proud of me. I wish you were proud of me, but I fear that I'm never going to be good enough. On our second day together, I told you the only thing I want in life, is to be told by someone I love, that they're proud of me. To be said with conviction and truth. With honor. With love. With respect.
My mind is scattered. So I sit here, rubbing your feet, feeling your toes. I hope you love me as much as I love you.
I'm sorry for all of this.
I'm sorry for who I am.
I am trying.
To be better.
To be everything you've wanted.
Everything you've needed.
Your vodka cranberry...
I love you.
Saturday, 4 February 2012
I Melt - Rascal Flatts
I hate that I am so insecure. I hate working twelve hour shifts. I hate that I get trapped in my head. I hate that I ruin everything.
My day is spent, convincing myself that I'll never be good enough for anything. I try not to, but unfortunatly, no matter how hard I try, I usually get trapped in this method of thinking. I just want to be enough for you. I hope I am.
You offer me dinner, and my insecurity tells me I don't deserve it. I don't deserve you. I feel bad that you would have to do dishes, to create something for me you have thought all day about. My words cut you open. I hate myself. I want it so bad, but everything I have ever known, tells me I haven't done anything to deserve it. I ruin your plans. I feel instantly a hundred times worse, and it's ruined. Because of me.
You're hurt, and mad. Drinking long from a bottle of wine, I know our time will be limited when I arrive, especially with the sleep we had last night. I tell you over and over again that I love you, which is true. Will always be true. Always is true. Forever. You ask why I keep telling you that, and partly because I want to hear it back. I want to know that no matter what, you love me back. Even with all my shit. Second, I watch what Chris and Candice have become. Our shit, our stupid fights mean nothing anymore. I just want to get home and hug and kiss you. I want to be with you.
I buy you flowers, because I feel like I have been a shit boyfriend. You deserve more. You deserve better. I will become that. I'll be your Vodka Cranberry no matter what. It breaks my heart that you tell me you were going to put me as your boyfriend on facebook, stupid I know, but important to me none the less. My heart skips a beat as you fall asleep, I see you posted that you have the best boyfriend in the world. Even with all my shit, with everything I ruin, you still think that of me. I don't get it, and I just pray it wasn't just a drunken lapse of judgement. I hope you meant that. I need you to mean that. I love this girl.
I am sorry for who I am. I am changing. I am working hard to change. Please just be patient with me. I love you. Forever and Always. With everything I have.
Mo Mhiann Daonnan
My day is spent, convincing myself that I'll never be good enough for anything. I try not to, but unfortunatly, no matter how hard I try, I usually get trapped in this method of thinking. I just want to be enough for you. I hope I am.
You offer me dinner, and my insecurity tells me I don't deserve it. I don't deserve you. I feel bad that you would have to do dishes, to create something for me you have thought all day about. My words cut you open. I hate myself. I want it so bad, but everything I have ever known, tells me I haven't done anything to deserve it. I ruin your plans. I feel instantly a hundred times worse, and it's ruined. Because of me.
You're hurt, and mad. Drinking long from a bottle of wine, I know our time will be limited when I arrive, especially with the sleep we had last night. I tell you over and over again that I love you, which is true. Will always be true. Always is true. Forever. You ask why I keep telling you that, and partly because I want to hear it back. I want to know that no matter what, you love me back. Even with all my shit. Second, I watch what Chris and Candice have become. Our shit, our stupid fights mean nothing anymore. I just want to get home and hug and kiss you. I want to be with you.
I buy you flowers, because I feel like I have been a shit boyfriend. You deserve more. You deserve better. I will become that. I'll be your Vodka Cranberry no matter what. It breaks my heart that you tell me you were going to put me as your boyfriend on facebook, stupid I know, but important to me none the less. My heart skips a beat as you fall asleep, I see you posted that you have the best boyfriend in the world. Even with all my shit, with everything I ruin, you still think that of me. I don't get it, and I just pray it wasn't just a drunken lapse of judgement. I hope you meant that. I need you to mean that. I love this girl.
I am sorry for who I am. I am changing. I am working hard to change. Please just be patient with me. I love you. Forever and Always. With everything I have.
Mo Mhiann Daonnan
Sunday, 29 January 2012
I don't know for certain, but I think that girl is flirting with me.
Everyone has that one significant moment. When everything changes. When their world is flipped upside down. I remember mine. Sitting in Tim Hortons, with a girl I have never met before. She's spent hours running through my mind, and I've debated our compatibility, our chance of success, my chance of being good enough for her. We order, food and coffee and I am mesmerized by her order. A large double double, with lasagna and a donut on the side. One point for compatibility. We sit at a small table in the middle, my choice. Close enough to the door to give her the chance to run, but far enough that she'll have to make it evident. No more unknowns for me. If she's going to leave, I am going to know.
Mid way through her meal, she drops some. Off her shirt, the table and down to the floor. Most girls would be embarassed. But not her. This is it. Something inside me awakens. Something unknown. She laughs. Smiles. Her lip cocks, and her eyes cross. I'm blown away. This look, I want to see the rest of my life.
Everything changed. Hope was born. Maybe this is everthing I have been searching for my whole life. I have never been certain of much. And the things I was certain of, was pain, darkness, blood, and betrayel. Now. Now, I am certain of hope. That's all I need. I know it will lead to love. It scares me, but I have never wanted anything as much as this. I'm willing to give everything, to allow this fire to breath. To let it consume me. To consume us. To make us one. This passion, and love, is deeper than any emotion I've ever felt. The years of hate, anger and despair - Don't come close to this. It's scary. But in a good way.
Fast forward a couple months later. This look comes everyday. And those feelings, are a flood of memories and emotions that give me hope. I fall in love with her deeper and deeper, and am unable to comprehend how this works. I love her with everything I have, and tomorrow she will solidify that love even deeper in a look, a touch, a kiss, a smile. I love this girl. She is my world.
She sleeps off a day that was supposed to be used to make this room ours. But it's ok, I'm not mad. I take care of her, nuturing and loving. I know this day will come, maybe not tomorrow or the next, but the day is coming. The night is always darkest before the dawn, but the dawn is coming. I can see the faint rays come up on the horizon. Rays that speak of marriage, kids, and a lifetime of happiness. I'm excited and can barely contain myself. I don't want to miss a single day of our lives together, but I crave days like when I propose, our wedding, our first and second child, buying a house together, sending our kids off to school. I can't wait and wish they would come faster. But for now, I am patient. Whether I want to be or not. So I'll climb back into bed, drink in her smell, and hold her unwilling to let her go. She's my kind of rain. I love this girl.
Megan Shaina Smith,
I love you. You told me you don't believe it, and this is my vow to you. I will spend the rest of our lives proving that I love you. That I will never leave or forsake you. I love you. With all my heart, mind, body and soul. You're mine, and I am yours.
Forever.
We are.
Infinite.
Mid way through her meal, she drops some. Off her shirt, the table and down to the floor. Most girls would be embarassed. But not her. This is it. Something inside me awakens. Something unknown. She laughs. Smiles. Her lip cocks, and her eyes cross. I'm blown away. This look, I want to see the rest of my life.
Everything changed. Hope was born. Maybe this is everthing I have been searching for my whole life. I have never been certain of much. And the things I was certain of, was pain, darkness, blood, and betrayel. Now. Now, I am certain of hope. That's all I need. I know it will lead to love. It scares me, but I have never wanted anything as much as this. I'm willing to give everything, to allow this fire to breath. To let it consume me. To consume us. To make us one. This passion, and love, is deeper than any emotion I've ever felt. The years of hate, anger and despair - Don't come close to this. It's scary. But in a good way.
Fast forward a couple months later. This look comes everyday. And those feelings, are a flood of memories and emotions that give me hope. I fall in love with her deeper and deeper, and am unable to comprehend how this works. I love her with everything I have, and tomorrow she will solidify that love even deeper in a look, a touch, a kiss, a smile. I love this girl. She is my world.
She sleeps off a day that was supposed to be used to make this room ours. But it's ok, I'm not mad. I take care of her, nuturing and loving. I know this day will come, maybe not tomorrow or the next, but the day is coming. The night is always darkest before the dawn, but the dawn is coming. I can see the faint rays come up on the horizon. Rays that speak of marriage, kids, and a lifetime of happiness. I'm excited and can barely contain myself. I don't want to miss a single day of our lives together, but I crave days like when I propose, our wedding, our first and second child, buying a house together, sending our kids off to school. I can't wait and wish they would come faster. But for now, I am patient. Whether I want to be or not. So I'll climb back into bed, drink in her smell, and hold her unwilling to let her go. She's my kind of rain. I love this girl.
Megan Shaina Smith,
I love you. You told me you don't believe it, and this is my vow to you. I will spend the rest of our lives proving that I love you. That I will never leave or forsake you. I love you. With all my heart, mind, body and soul. You're mine, and I am yours.
Forever.
We are.
Infinite.
Friday, 27 January 2012
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