It hits me that we won't see the skyline for what feels like weeks. Country plays from the speakers, but there's no stars to look up to. I look at her face, and am amazed by how blessed I am. I won't see her for the next four days, and there is no difference between four and forty. It pains me, that I have to go to bed, cold and alone with no one to cuddle. It pains me more, that when I wake up, I don't have a beautiful smile, smiling back at me. The warmth, not just from her furnace like body, but the love I feel that is warmer than any heater or blanket could provide. I know she loves me, not because she tells me, but because deep down, my soul is so connected to hers. Merged, they became one. Her hurts, are my hurts. Her loves, are my loves. Her soul, is my soul.
I fucked up. I promised to wake her up, and instead I let her down. It didn't hit me until it was too late, that this would be the last night we would spend together for the longest period in our relationship. I drank, and although I wouldn't trade anything for the conversations and bonding to make up for many lost years, It pains me, that I let her down. She claims she's not mad, but I almost wish she was. To be a reminder to choose my actions more carefully next time. Instead, hung over I spend most of the day trying not to puke, and trying to make it up to her. She sits across the table from me, her eyes light up and her smile grows as she catches me once again staring at her. Even after I let her down, she still loves me.
Watching How I Met Your Mother as I pour out my heart, I stop and listen. "It's the little things that brought me to you, and I wouldn't trade them for anything." This floors me for some reason. Even as I know the truth behind its words, a flood of memories come rushing back. She has to remind me its my turn to play darts, because my thoughts are somewhere else. She catches me staring after everyone of her throws. Seeing the joy in her smile, in her laugh, in the way she marks down her victories on the chalk board. I love this. I don't care for darts, but I want to play them everyday now. I didn't think it was possible, but my love grows more and more each day. Watching her this happy, is the greatest feeling in the world. Her, being there with me, means the world to me. My safe haven, my church, and now my soulmate are intertwined. A mixture of beers, darts, and wiggle dancing screams love in my face, like I've never seen before. I melt. I am floored. She continues to ask "What?", but words can't describe this feeling. Words will never give this feeling the justice it deserves. I smile and tell her nothing, but she doesn't by it. I kiss her, on the lips, the cheek, and the forehead. I hug her, not willing to ever let go, but alas it is my turn. I can't focus. I can't aim. She wins. The look on her face, triumphs over every feeling of my competitive nature. I love this girl.
She's learning, and it warms my heart. She's changing her throught process from being single, to being in a relationship. It's exciting. She referred to us, as "we" and "ours". She opens my door after I open hers. She now gets out two smokes instead of one. She asks if I want a beer, and she tells me she loves me first. We subtly argue who loves and misses each other more. I recently heard a song called I wanna be in love - Jaron and the Long Road to Love. I immediatly am reminded of her. Lyrics with "and someday we'll only fight about who found who; you'll say you found me babe and I'll say I found you" and "I wish I
could come home to someone who'd hug me; and never let go; and I want love like I see on TV; where you promise me the world and you never set me free." I love this girl. More than anyone or anything I've loved before. I'll never let her go.
She concerns herself that she might be a rebound, I am crushed. I am so sure of this. For once, I believe in something so strong that nothing can shake it. Most days I feel that she feels the same. I can only tell her I love her, because at that point, nothing I do or say will prove otherwise. Instead I'll show her. I'll be here. I'll pour her water before bed. I'll help her up when she stands in the shower. I'll buy her thermal socks. I'll never give up, and never let her go. I love her. This is my absolute.
With her, I am infinite. The love I feel is infinite.
We, are infinite.
I love you.
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