Whats in a name?

These words, like most honest words, will too be written next to midnight. I've never been a good writer, quite frankily, I've never really been good at anything. For years I wrote in books. About the chaos and destruction within. Words that were never supposed to fall upon anyones eyes. Words, that were a literal translation of my inner self. I've always liked writing in books. It takes time, thought, and dedication. You can tell tone, and emotion in written words. I've never really liked technology. For all the good its done, with science and the advancement of the human race, what did it cost? There's no emotion in typed words. There's no words that are written darker than others, because its author felt its anger, and expressed it with out conscious knowledge. Nobody will read this, and say "This word, he pressed the keys harder than the rest." Maybe nobody will read this regardless. Look at cellphones. One device, has the possibility to create and ruin friendships, relationships and lives all at the same time. Sometimes I wish I could give up mine, but I know I'll be the only one. During marriage, will you give up yours?

I've also never liked country music. I don't know why. Maybe because all the songs I like, are about love and soulmates. My favourite book starts with "I've never liked jazz music because jazz music doesn't resolve. But I was outside the Bagdad Theater in Portland one night when I say a man playing the saxophone. I stood there for fifteen minutes. He never opened his eyes. After that I liked jazz music. Sometimes you have to watch somebody love something before you can love it yourself. It is as if they are showing you the way." Maybe thats what I needed. I now love country music. It's the little moments, cramped in a truck with three other people belting out the lyrics to their favourite songs. It's the feeling joyous, watching the love of your life, experience pure joy, singing her heart out off tune. Mixed with the sorrow, of not being able to join in, of feeling left out. Its the lyrics she posts of her favourite songs that say what her words never will. The subtle message of love, for all the world to see, while knowing she's talking about you. It's the debate, of whether "our" song will be God Gave Me You and Are You Going To Kiss Me Or Not. Yes, the little moments are what make me the happiest. The cross eyed look, thats goofy yet loveable. The way you smile after you catch me staring at you. Dancing in the kitchen, driving you to work, making sure you always have smokes, and the I could never forget the rambling jumble of words that leave your mouth when you first wake up. Whether it be kicking me out of my own bed, yelling at my dog for eating your hamburger, wanting processed cheese, or almost forcing me to get you Tim Hortons oatmeal. These moments, I wouldn't trade for the world.

Enough of things I don't like, for now. Onto things I do like. You. Yes you. You know who you are. I just don't like you, I love you. I've told you a hundred times, and I'll tell you a hundred more. I love you. It worries me, we talk through codes, afraid to speak this words to each others face. We write on paper pads, blogs, through beer, and through the silence. One day, I hope we will say this to one another. Without fear. Fear of rejection, and fear of judgement. I long for that day, deep within my soul. I just pray I am not numb by then. We read a post together, and both agree how terrible it is, to have one member in a relationship continue on while not feeling anything. I am not there. Not even close. But it scares me how that has the possibility of changing. We're both broken people. We know what it's like to be broken by ourselves, but maybe what we need is to be broken together. You promised you wouldn't leave, and you haven't. But that doesn't mean I am not scared you will. I showed you something, something I've only shown to a few. Those few, are no more. Forever changed, scarred, indifferent. I am worried you'll become the same. I worry, because I feel responsible for you. I feel instead of showing you who I am and having you accept me, I just brought you down to my level. As much as I never want to hide anything from you, and I never will - I wish I waited to show you this. Until you were ready. Until you asked for it. Until you asked for me. You blame yourself and take responsibility for me "never being happy" and for not being able to change me. But you don't take responsibility for the good. For the times, that I have truely been happy. Truely felt loved. Truely felt needed. Truely felt wanted. I have never felt these, and didn't believe they exsisted. Not until you showed me. And now it feels we're caught in a tailspin. Of beautiful mornings, and destructive nights. Maybe this is why I have a problem with the drinking. We have all these conversations late at night. When I believe you're most honest. But I never remind myself your drunk. They never work out in my favour. It just becomes a broken mess. Of tears, anger and self loathing. I am never going to leave, but I feel like I am pushing you in that direction. One night in anger, you said I was self-destructive and maybe you're right. I'm fighting it, but it feels like I am losing. My insecurity is all I know. The worthlessness, the depression, the hate, the brokenness. You're teaching me how to get past this. But will it be too late? Please hold on. Don't give up. Don't leave. I need you. You claim you need me more, but I doubt that. You never give yourself credit. You're beautiful. Ever Beautiful. I mean that. I just wish you could see you're own potential. I want this, and I want you. I'm not willing to give up. Not now, not ever. 'Till death do us part, is not just a wedding vow. It's my vow. My vow that I make to you.

As for the name. Harvey Dent. Two-face. Batmans arch nemesis. The problem with two face, is that he was not a good man who was transformed into evil. He was always evil. He just needed a step in the right direction. He needed to be pushed. Somedays I feel like that. That I have always been evil. And just needed a solid push. Others, I am gothams DA and am fighting justice any chance I get. Who wins today, is just a matter of how hard somebody pushes.

So I end this here. For now. Rambling and ranting, with no clue as to context or tone. These words, are honest words. I'll leave this here. You're Ever Beautiful. I vow to live everyday as Vodka Cranberry. To be everything you've ever wanted and desired. Yes,  there are many other things that will do, that will be good. But nothing, will be as satisfying, as getting a Vodka Cranberry. That's what I need to be. I need to be, everything you have ever wanted. Everything you have ever needed. Will you be mine? I love you.